Knock on the Door
by shadowtrickster93
Summary: preseries, AU, 2 years into Sam's stay at Stanford, a friend helps him realize how important family is and convinces him to visit his Dad and John for Christmas. Bascially the
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! Hope you enjoy this fic.. It's preseries, AU, 2 years into Sam's stay at Stanford.. This my second supernatural fic so go easy on me! I'm not exactly the best writer in the world... Please review! I just figured everyone deserves to be with their family on christmas, including the winchesters... enjoy!

Disclaimer: I almost forgot to put this... Don't own supernatural... Sigh. Too bad. I was really hoping to find Jensen and Jared underneath the Christmas tree come Christmas morning.. At least there's always next year huh?

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Sam got out of the car that he had rented and swung the door shut, his eyes never leaving the building in front of him.

The Super 8 Motel.

Which, according to the Winchesters' hunting friend, Caleb, was where John and Dean Winchester were currently staying for the holidays.

"What the hell am I doing here?" Sam muttered quietly to himself for what seemed the millionth time since he had left Palo Alto. If he was honest to himself, he wasn't quite sure how he had ended up here. For some strange reason, it seemed like the last 12 hours on the road had gone by like a blur.

Part of him felt like a fool, standing in Smalltown, USA, expecting his family to accept him again. Hadn't John told him that if he went to college, he wasn't allowed to come back ever again? That if he left for Stanford, he was betraying his family and turning his back on all those who needed someone to save them and fight against the evil lurking in the world?

Part of him felt scared and uncertain. What exactly would his father say to him if he saw him standing right outside their motel room? He was certain that they would have a huge fight again; similar to the one they had had when Sam had announced his decision to go to Stanford, and he didn't want that. It was Christmas for crissakes, and there was no way he was putting his brother through hell again. He knew how much his brother hated watching his father and younger brother fight, hated having to stand by and do nothing, hated having to choose a side.

Another part felt defiant. Even if his family didn't exactly celebrate Christmas, he would be damned if he were alone this Christmas. He would be damned if he didn't get to spend time and see his family during the holidays, even if it meant spending it by sharpening knives and polishing guns. Even if it meant digging up a grave to salt and burn it. No matter what had been said or done, they were his family and he missed them. He had good friends, close friends at Stanford. But they never replaced Dad and Dean in his eyes. Besides, he was sick and tired of lying to them about who he really was. And sure, Dad had told him to never come back. Fine. But since when did he obey Dad's orders anyway?

Despite all this, a small part of Sam felt hopeful. Once again, it was Christmas after all. Maybe for the sake of Christmas spirit, they would let him back in, if only for a couple of days. Maybe, and this was a big maybe, Dad would forgive him and things would be okay between them again. After all, why did he have to choose between college and his family? Why didn't he get to have both? After all, there were always the different holidays and different breaks he could go hunting with his family.

For a couple of minutes, Sam just stood there, torn between getting the hell away from there and tearing up the stairs and knocking on room 324, which was supposedly the room they were staying in. All his emotions were leaving him confused and unsure of himself.

"Damn it Pete. You just have to be a real sweet talker huh? This is all your fault. I swear to God when I get back..." Sam mumbled under his breath for what also seemed like the millionth time. After all, it was because of his friend, Pete James, he was here in the first place...

"Pete! Pete! Hey man! Wait up!" Sam yelled to his friend and roommate of over two years. He had spotted Pete just exiting the library as he himself was exiting one of the numerous school buildings found on the Stanford campus. Last night, they had agreed

that after classes, they would meet up and go to the nearby bar together for a round of beers. Seeing as they had both been swamped with school work for the entire week since it was the last week before the Christmas break, both had been looking forward to a night off.

"Hey man what's up?" Pete replied, grinning. "What's with you? It's like you haven't seen you in forever, the way you were yelling. I mean, you're the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed, unfortunately. What more do you want? But don't worry man, I get it though. After all, who can resist seeing this handsome face 24 hours a day huh?"

Sam laughed, although there was a bit of sadness in his eyes that Pete thankfully missed. In some ways, his friend really reminded him of his older brother. "Me and the rest of the world, Pete, me and the rest of the world. As for the whole yelling thing, I thought we were gonna head over to Benny's for a couple of drinks, remember?" As he said this, the two strolled over to Pete's car, a red '64 Mustang. Much like Dean, Pete loved his car very much and threatened to harm anyone who scratched or even just badmouthed his baby.

"Oh yeah! Look, I'm really sorry Sam but I can't go." he replied, walking over to the driver's side of the car and opened the door.

"Why not?" Sam opened the door and shifted the different papers found on the passenger seat before getting in. Pete then started the car and drove out of the parking space.

"Well I got a call from my dad a couple hours again. I'm expected to be at my parents' house by tomorrow. They want me to spend the whole Christmas break with them, so I have to pack my stuff and all. But you should still go you know. God knows we've all

been working our asses off this week, especially you. If you want, I can drop you off there before I head back to the apartment." Pete stopped at the stoplight. Turn left and they would be headed to towards their apartment nearby. It was conveniently located 5 minutes away from the library and the building Sam had most of his classes. Turn right and they would be headed to the bar where most of Stanford's students hung out and went to unwind.

"No it's fine. I'll stay and help you pack. Besides, it wouldn't be any fun without you being rejected by almost every single female you hit on." Sam replied, teasing his friend as Pete made a left turn.

"Haha very funny. But you're damn right you know."

"About what? You being rejected?" Sam challenged.

"No dude, that it won't be fun without me. Let's face it Sam, your life would be real boring without me around." Pete shot back, a triumphant smirk on his face.

Sam grinned. "You have got to be the second most egotistical person I know in my entire life."

Pete raised his eyebrow and said in an insulted tone, "Only second? Who's first?"

Sam's smile faded slightly at that. "My brother, Dean."

By the time Sam had said this, they had already arrived at their apartment building and they both got out of the car, slamming the car doors. They walked to their apartment in relative silence. When they arrived at the door, Sam took out his key, placed it in the doorknob and turned it until he heard the click. He removed the key and Pete then turned the doorknob and opened the door for Sam, smirking. "Ladies first."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Well why didn't you say so? I would have let you go first." he replied, grinning.

Pete mock glared at him. "Are we going to stand here all night debating who's more of a chick between the two of us or are we gonna suck up our pride and just go in?"

"Only if you go in first."

"Fine. I've got a lot of packing to do anyway."

Pete walked in, a smirking Sam right behind him.

As Pete headed for his room, Sam went for the fridge, grabbing two beers for them. He went to Pete's room and began helping Pete pack, folding clothes here and there, sorting them out in different piles. Growing up, his family had always moved from one place to another, packing constantly and quickly. To Sam, this was a piece of cake, something he had experience in. Something that reminded of his family, a family he hadn't seen in 2 years, a family he wouldn't be seeing for a long time and most definitely would not be spending Christmas with, he realized with a pang of sadness.

"Hey Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing this Christmas?" Pete asked cautiously. It was the first thing he had learned about Sam Winchester: never ask about his family. It'll just be useless, seeing as he doesn't talk about it.

"I'm probably just gonna stay here. You know, me, myself and I and a couple bottles of beer. And all the homework they assigned us for the holidays. Oh, and they'll probably gonna be running The Christmas Carol on HBO on Christmas Day so it won't be that bad. Don't worry about me." Sam answered, anticipating his friend's next few questions in those few short sentences. He really didn't feel like hearing "Who's gonna stay with you?" or "What are you gonna do?" or even "Are you sure?". He had made his choice 2 years ago and he was just going to have to face the consequences of that decision like a man. Besides, what would Dean say if he heard his brother blubbering about how lonely he would be on Christmas? "He'd probably say it's to be expected of me." thought Sam wryly.

"Look, I know you don't talk about your family very much, heck, not at all, but could you just tell me why?"

"Why what?"

"Why you never talk about them. Why you insist on being alone during holidays. Why you always have this glint of sadness in your eyes if on the rare occasion you mention your brother. Why you seem really angry and tense if on the rare occasion you mention your dad. Why you have this weird look on your face whenever people bitch about their parents or their siblings or their families. You don't have to tell me everything. Heck, you don't have to tell me anything. But just in case you feel like talking, I'm here to listen." Pete said seriously. Every once in a while, when the situation called for it, gone was the Pete who made inappropriate comments at inappropriate times.

"I don't wanna talk about it alright?" Sam growled and stormed out the door.

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Looking back, Sam realized that it wasn't the best way to deal with the situation. But he had just been caught off guard and surprised that Pete had actually noticed those things. Then again, he should have expected him to notice those things. He was studying medicine after all, and he had to be pretty observant and have a keen eye for things.

Sam knew that Pete was just looking out for him. Wanted to make sure his buddy was alright. The good thing though, they were able to resolve that particular argument and for the first time since he had arrived at Stanford, Sam had been able to tell, no, to confide in

someone about his family, Oh of course, he hadn't included the part about demons and ghosts and spirits and rock salt and guns and knives and fire and hunting. Just the basics.

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Pete looked up from the TV as he heard the doorknob turn and the door open. His roommate came in with a resigned, thoughtful look on his face. He wasn't going to press though. He had already seen what would happen if he did that.

"So. Where'd you go?" Pete asked suddenly, breaking the silence.

Sam looked away, focusing on the cracks on the floor. "The park. Just walked around for a couple of minutes. Then Starbucks. Had a cup of coffee."

Pete raised an eyebrow. "For 5 hours?"

Sam looked back at him, crossing his arms defensively. "I just had to think alright?" he replied, annoyance gracing his features, shuffling his feet and looking around, focusing on anything but Pete.

"Woah, I was just asking. No need to go all defensive on me. Its fine, I get it. I understand." Pete raised his hands in a calming position, TV forgotten entirely.

Silence.

"You done with your packing?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"Thanks for helping."

"Anytime. Whatcha watching?"

"You'll laugh."

"No I won't."

"Sure you won't."

"Come on man. It can't be that bad."

"Promise not to laugh or tell anybody?"

"Promise."

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"For real?"

"Yeah. That Buffy chick is hot."

"Okay. Yeah, she is."

"You want another beer?"

"No thanks."

"'Kay."

Silence.

"I'm gonna tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"Why I never talk about my family. And all that other stuff you said a while ago."

"You sure? It's really fine if you don't want to."

"I'm sure."

Silence.

Pete looked at Sam expectantly. Sam looked at Pete hesitantly as he sunk into a chair.

"It's not that complicated actually. My dad. He, uh, didn't want me to go to college."

Pete was taken aback by that. "What the hell?" he thought. What kind of parent wouldn't want his son to go to one of the best universities in the country, on a full ride scholarship no less?

Sam chuckled weakly. "Yeah I know right? Pretty surprising, I'm sure. But that's my dad for you."

"Why?" Pete asked, the only word that he was actually able to coherently say.

"It's a long story but long story short, he didn't want me leaving the family. Didn't want me to go too far away."

"Where were you guys exactly, at that time? I mean you guys moved around a lot right?"

"Yeah, we did. That time, we were in a small town just outside New Jersey."

"Well in fairness that is far... So then what happened?"

"I told him I was going to Stanford and there was nothing he could do to stop me."

"And then?"

"We had a big fight. Not surprising really. My dad and I didn't really get along very well." At this Sam laughed nostalgically. "We were both really stubborn. It's a Winchester trait."

"Huh. Well, at least I know why you never take no for answer." Pete grinned a little.

Sam smiled. "Yeah."

"So anyways, what happened after that? What about, uh, your brother? Dean? Was he around?" Pete probed gently, not wanting to push Sam too far over the edge and piss him off again.

"Oh he was around. He just watched us for a couple of minutes, tried to intervene a couple of times but we didn't listen to him. Afterwards, he just glared at us then stormed back to his room. I have no idea what he did though, but I'm pretty sure he could hear us yelling from his room."

"That must have sucked for him. Having to watch the two people he cared about the most in the world fight. Having to choose a side and yet not being able to." Pete said softly, sympathy in his voice.

Sam looked at his friend curiously. "You sound like you know what that's like."

Pete smiled sadly. "I do, unfortunately. Growing up, my parents fought a lot, over the most trivial and pathetic of things. My dad was usually drunk and he used to yell at my mom a lot, calling her names and telling her she was worthless and stuff like that. My mom," he chuckled softly, "She wouldn't say anything, but she would take her revenge in simple things. Like, she would put mild poison in his food, just to upset his stomach a little. Or she would hide all his things, or burn all his magazines. Sometimes, if she was feeling particularly vengeful, she would give away his clothes and shoes to charity. Used to piss the hell out of my dad and they would just start fighting again." Pete chuckled, "Mom was real devious and sneaky like that. Although, if there was anything I hated, it was watching and hearing them fight and not being able to do anything."

"I.. I didn't know."

Pete snorted. "Well, yeah 'cause I've never told you dumbass."

Sam laughed. "Yeah."

"So then what happened?" Pete asked, drawing the conversation back to Sam's family.

"Well, we argued and yelled some more, obviously," Sam continued, "Then he told me that if I went to college, I wasn't allowed to go back anymore."

"Go back as in..."

"As in never go back to them ever again. As in, if you go, stay gone."

Pete whistled. "Harsh. Those were his exact words?"

Sam thought about it for a second. "Yeah, more or less. Actually, it was more like," Sam paused, mimicking John Winchester's deep voice. "Fine! Go to that college! But if you go, then you had better stay gone and never, ever show your face to me ever again!"

Pete raised his eyebrows. "Seriously?"

"Yup."

"Honestly, why do you think he did that?" Pete probed Sam for answers. This was a very interesting story yet at the same time really sad and unfortunate.

Sam stood up and shrugged. "I don't know," he confessed, strolling over to the wall and leaning his body on it slightly, "I guess he just didn't want me to wander too far and out of his control. Ever since we were kids, he was pretty authoritative and controlling. He used to be in the Marines, you know? Felt like I was a recruit growing up."

"You guys were pretty close right? I mean, it was just the three of you since, I dunno, time immemorial?" Pete questioned.

"Yeah, pretty much. I mean, my dad and I weren't the closest father and son team on the planet seeing as we argued all the time, but yeah, it was always the three of us against the world." Sam reminisced.

"Hmmmmm..."

Sam chuckled softly. "What's up with you man? What are you trying to figure out? 'Cause saying 'hmmmm' doesn't make you a genius."

Pete snorted. "I suppose you would know."

"Seriously though, what is it?"

Pete sighed, contemplating whether or not to tell his friend what he really thought.

'Come on already!" Sam laughed, "What is it? It can't be that earth shattering, can it?"

Pete looked at Sam intently. "You really wanna know what I think?"

"Yeah! Come on already."

"You ever think that, maybe your dad didn't want to let you go was because he was afraid he couldn't protect you?"

Sam looked at Pete like he was crazy. "What man? Come on, I'm a big boy already. I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself."

Pete shrugged. "Well it makes sense. I mean, you said that ever since you were kids, it's always been the three of you right? So what if he was afraid of what would happen to you if he wasn't around? The world isn't exactly rainbows and hearts and cake and chocolate chip cookies anymore. I might not be a parent, but I know for a fact that parents, no matter how grown up their kids are, never stop worrying. Just ask my mom," Pete grinned, "She panics every time my sister or I don't answer our cellphones. When we do answer them, she babbles about the statistics of young adults dying or getting injured

and tells us that we always give her heart attacks."

Sam thought about it for a minute. It made sense. Why did he not think of this before? For the past two years, he had swallowed in his anger and self-righteousness, believing that Dad was being unfair and mean and that he was just plain wrong. That he was against Sam's having a normal life. He had never stopped to think about Dad's point of view. Never considered what that particular argument had made him feel. Never thought about what Dad had really meant. Considering the fact that they hunted the supernatural and they knew the damage and havoc it could cause, of course Dad would be worried that he wouldn't be able to protect him. Dad was just trying to look out for him.

"When was the last time you spoke to him?" Pete's voice broke into Sam's thoughts.

Sam shook his head slightly, focusing back to the conversation. "Two years ago, when I left." he answered.

"And when do you plan on speaking to him again?"

"Umm..." Sam didn't have an answer to that question. Honestly, he had never thought about it before. Sure, he thought about calling Dean once in a while but Dad?

"That's what I thought." Pete declared triumphantly.

Sam raised his eyebrow. "I get it. You're in a preaching mood. Fine. Where are you going now?"

Pete walked over to a spot beside Sam leaning on the wall. "I'm gonna tell you a story." Pete grinned, speaking in a sarcastic tone. "It's filled with rainbows and lollipops and the Care Bears make a cameo appearance!"

Sam snickered. "Oh this should be good." he returned.

"Now seriously man. I mean it." Pete had that serious tone in his voice again. Even though they had known each other for some time now, it still amazed Sam, the way he could switch from one mood to the next.

"My mom, when she was in her twenties," Pete began, "She met my dad, Taylor James. He was a pretty big hypocrite, which, of course, she realized later on in life. But during that time, she thought he was the greatest guy alive. Handsome, sweet, caring, funny,

et cetera, et cetera."

Sam sighed. "I get it. Your mom was fooled. But what does this have to do with me?"

Pete scowled. "I'm not done yet! Stop interrupting me!"

"Fine."

Pete crossed his arms and took on a more pleasant tone. "Now where was I? Oh yeah. So anyways, everyone, including my mom, thought he was perfect. A godsend. Fooled everyone but my grandma. She told my mom that he was nothing but trouble, that she should stop going out with him, that he was just fooling her. She had a great sixth sense that way," Pete chuckled. "They got into a lot of arguments about him. Then one day, she came home with an engagement ring on her finger. My grandma exploded!" Pete gesticulated with his hands and widened his eyes for theatrical effect which made Sam laugh out loud.

"So then what happened?" Sam said, still grinning at his friend's antics.

"Needless to say, they got into a huge argument. The biggest, the longest, the most tense, according to my aunt. Grandma did what your dad did, told my mom that if she was gonna marry that bastard, she was gonna have to do it somewhere else and never come back ever again. So my mom, for once in her life, did as her mother told. She left. She moved to California, had me, figured out my dad was a sonuvabitch, so on and so forth."

"And the connection with me is?"

"My mom and Grandma? They didn't talk to each other for 15 years. 15 years. The only way I got to know Grandma was through my aunt. She was kind of the connection between them. And you know the reason they actually talked to each other again? Last year, Grandma was dying of breast cancer and wanted to see Mom before she died. Mom flew all the way back to visit her. By the time she got there, Grandma was already gone." He continued sadly.

"I'm sorry." Sam said, sympathy evident in his voice.

"Yeah, thanks. Anyway, Grandma left Mom a letter, saying how much she had missed her, how much she regretted their arguments and the 15 years they spent apart. How much she loved her and was proud of her, despite of the choices she made. Mom broke down,

hasn't been the same since. All I'm saying is," Pete paused dramatically, looking at Sam in the eyes, "do you really want to be estranged from your dad for God knows how many years?"

Sam looked down, suddenly his shoes seemed so interesting. No, he didn't want that. Despite everything, Dad was well... still his dad.

"Exactly. So I suggest, this Christmas, you suck up your pride and go over to your dad, wherever he is, and talk it out. I'm not saying you should apologize for everything that's happened between you two, seeing as it's partly his fault. Just... go, okay? It'll be good for you. Work things out. Hug and cry and do whatever emotional crap needs to be done. Alright?"

"I dunno... my dad... he might not want to see me... And I don't even know where he is..." Sam said tentatively.

"Hmph. Excuses. You were never very good at them." Pete said huffily. "Ask your dad's friends where he is. Call your brother. As for the whole 'he doesn't want to se me' part? It's just a chance you have to take." He said decidedly.

"I don't know..."

"Sam!" Pete yelled exasperatedly.

"Fine! I'll go! Just don't blame me if it all gets shot to hell..." Sam said, raising his hands in a placating gesture. "Geez...since when have you been so interested in my life?"

Pete shrugged. "Just trying to help."

Sam smiled. "Yeah well thanks. It's much appreciated."

Peter nodded. "You're welcome. Now start packing!"

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That was how Sam had ended up here. After that long conversation, they had started packing his clothes, exchanged a few words and insults and jokes and drank a couple more beers and then had gone to sleep. When Sam woke up the next morning, Pete had already gone, but had left a note on Sam's favorite coffee mug saying, "Don't be such a chicken! I know you're thinking of not going! Go already alright?! Oh, and by the way, Merry Christmas! Pete." Sam had then rented a car (he and Pete shared the Mustang and Pete was using it to get to his parents' place), called Caleb asking where Dad and Dean were and had driven 12 hours straight to the Super 8 Motel just outside of Cleveland, Ohio.

"Now or never Sam, now or never." He thought to himself as he began to walk towards the stairs of the motel. He jogged up, slowly at first and then picking up speed, apprehension and excitement flowing through his veins. A few minutes later, he was staring at the brown wooden door with a metal plate on it that read '324'. Taking a deep breath, Sam knocked on the door.

He didn't expect an immediate response. Knowing Dad and Dean, they would be pretty suspicious. Who would be knocking on their motel door? They weren't expecting anyone, as far as Sam knew. He was counting on the fact that Caleb loves surprises, especially the ones that were done to the Winchesters. Hopefully, he hadn't told John that his youngest son was dropping by for a visit.

A few seconds later, Sam swore he saw his dad peeping out of the tiny peephole on the door. A second later, he heard the doorknob click.

"Sam?"

fin

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Done! Hope you enjoyed! Like i said, please review! It's already done, hence the 'fin', obviously.. It's up to you guys to make your own endings.. Lame excuse I know but it's true. Thanks for reading it! Just a couple of notes...

1. the mustang? i have no idea what it looks like or whatever. i'm not good with cars. all i know is that i love the Impala!

2. the bar, Benny's? fictional... just pulled a random name out of my head. as for Stanford, I know nothing about it. Sure, I've been there but I don't know anything about their holidays and classes and places on campus...

3. the Buffy references. no shame in watching Buffy. Personally, I think it's one of the coolest shows ever. Did you catch the other Buffy reference? just wondering...

Once again, please review! Just press that purple button down there! Thanks and hope you enjoyed! Have a happy new year! (I would say Merry Christmas but Christmas is already over...)


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! Happy new year! Since all the people who reviewed this story asked for another chapter, here it is! What can I say, I'm a sucker for puppy dog eyes... hahaha. Thanks to Charmedp3123, SilverStorm06, friendly, Red Hardy (thanks for that great long review!), daisymaygirl1, winchester-angst and L'insomnie des etoiles (whew! did I get the spelliung right? sorry if i didn't) for reviewing. If you reviewed but I didn't mention you, thanks and I'm sorry I missed your name.

Anyways, this the second out of three chapters... hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Don't own Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Veronica Mars. Do I have to put a disclaimer for shows I only used as a reference? Just wondering.

Enjoy and please review! I'd appreciate it... Happy New Year!

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'_Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh! Dashing through the snow, on a –'_

Dean scowled as the song reached his ears. He was really not in the mood to hear any Christmas songs as of now. Then again, when was he ever in the mood for Santa Claus and Rudolph and the sleighs and the snow and the gift giving that characterized Christmas? Winchesters didn't really deal with Christmas very well. It was for normal people, and well, they weren't exactly the Brady Bunch.

Still scowling, he reached for the worn shoebox on the seat beside him and grabbed the tape marked 'Metallica' in his scrawled handwriting. He removed it from its container and tossed it back into the shoebox. He then inserted it into the cassette player and sighed with satisfaction as the haunting sounds of 'Enter Sandman' replaced the Christmas tune in the Impala.

Unbidden, a thought entered Dean's mind.

What was Sammy gonna be doing for Christmas this year?

_"Don't go there Dean."_ he muttered to himself quietly under his breath. His baby brother and Christmas were the two things on the top of his 'Not to be Thought or Talked About' list.

_"Well it's too late for that. Besides, you're gonna have to face it sometime."_ his conscience whispered evilly to him. Dean sighed. Brooding was so not his thing. It was more of Sammy's. There goes that name again. Sammy. Sam.

Sammy was his baby brother. The one he held in his arms as he watched his home burn in flames all those years ago, hoping against hope that Daddy would come out with Mommy in his arms. Sammy was the chubby five year old who refused to let go of his hand when he had to go to school. Sammy was the kid who crawled into his bed during storms and huddled against his big brother until it went away. Sammy was the child who Dean looked after when Dad was gone or when he was sick. Sammy was the boy who looked up to his big brother, believing he could defeat anything and everything, be it demons or spirits or dragons and evil wizards. Sammy was dimpled cheeks and puppy dog eyes, forever his to protect.

Sam was the rebellious teenager who hated it when his older brother called him 'Sammy', or at least acted like he hated it. Sam was the fifteen year old guy who never listened to his father and always argued about anything and everything with him, be it about their weaponry, their hunts or who got coffee first thing in the morning. Sam was the eighteen year old boy, no, man, who left his family behind in order to pursue his dreams. Sam was the one who abandoned his family for a better future. Sam was the jackass who went to a place where he thought monsters didn't exist and where he believed his family didn't care about his dreams and aspirations so he was better off without him. Sam was anger and rebellion, forever... Dean himself didn't know.

Sammy.

Sam.

What a big difference two letters made.

Dean knew he was being unfair. Sam wasn't that bad, he reasoned to himself. Like everyone else, he had his good side and his bad side. Sam was a genius, to put it simply. He was really good at researching the things the hunted. He was great at exorcisms and things like that. He also had a way with people. Dean and John usually had to con people in order for them to talk but Sam had this quality that made everyone, male or female, just open up to him. Sam was caring, generous, kind, funny and helpful. Sam knew Dean better than anyone else. He understood his older brother and was someone Dean believed he could always depend on, no matter what.

Until two years ago.

Dean could still remember that night. Sammy had announced that he was leaving for Stanford, whether they liked it or not. Dean was fine with it. He was really proud of his brother though he never said anything. He was happy for Sam, wanted the best for him, wanted him to make the most out of life and the opportunities that came his way.

Then Dad just had to screw things up.

John wouldn't let Sam go, wouldn't let him go to college. Said that they needed him, claimed that they were close to finding the thing that took Mom away and started everything. Sam didn't believe him and he yelled that it didn't matter if they found the Demon; Mom wasn't coming back.

Big mistake.

John and Dean had known Mary, still remembered her. John had had 28 years of normal; Dean had had 4.

Sam had _nothing_.

Which was probably why, Dean thought, he always longed for normal his entire life. Longed to go to college and do what all normal kids his age did.

John began yelling right back at Sam, telling him not to talk like that, telling him to forget about college because dammit he was staying with this family and he wasn't going anywhere. Dean had tried to separate them, tried to break it up, tried to stop the argument before things got out of hand and they would say things they would regret. They wouldn't listen to him though.

So he had gone up to his room to wait it out, thinking that they would settle on an agreement. Oh they did alright, it just wasn't one that he liked.

"Fine! Go to that college! But if you go, then you had better stay gone and never, ever show your face to me ever again!"

The moment he heard those words fly out of Dad's mouth, he prayed to God that he would take them back or Sam would argue about it. He wasn't much for praying really, but then it seemed like the time it was most needed.

But Dad didn't take it back. Sam just nodded silently and went to the room he and Dean shared to pack.

Silence reigned in their room as Sam began tossing things haphazardly into his bag. Dean didn't have to ask what happened, seeing as he already knew. By the time Sam was done packing, Dean already had the Impala warmed up outside their motel room.

Dean had then driven to the nearest convenience store and had told his brother to wait inside the car. He then rushed inside the store and began grabbing things from the shelves, anything he thought his brother might need. Soap, detergent, lasagna, M n M's,

Gatorade, Oreo, milk, heck even a six pack of Budweiser.

He then paid it (using legit money; no matter what he gave his brother, he always used legit money to pay for it) and rushed back to the car, shoved the bags into Sam's arms and had driven to the bus station. Sam didn't question his brother's actions, simply took it in stride and silently thanked him for his understanding.

When they had gotten there, Dean killed the engine. They sat in silence until Sam simply said,

"Thanks jerk."

To which Dean replied,

"Anytime bitch."

There were no 'I'll call you as soon as I get there's or 'I'll call whenever I can's or 'I'll keep you updated with what's going on's. Not even a simple 'I'll keep in touch, don't worry'. For some reason, they knew that no matter for how long one called, the other would not pick up. No matter how insistent one was in trying to contact the other, there would be no response.

Looking back, Dean was grateful, at the very least, that there were no goodbyes. Silence was fine; in Winchesterese, they meant 'I'll be seeing you." Those were fine.

Goodbyes he couldn't deal with; goodbyes meant forever.

So without a word, Sam stepped out of the car with his groceries and his duffel bag and walked to the waiting shed, where several more passengers were seeking refuge from the pouring rain.

Dean stayed there a while. He wasn't sure why; Sam was a big boy, he could take care of himself.

Maybe he was trying to memorize his brother's features before he left, seemingly for good.

Maybe he was just waiting in vain for Sam to turn back, to go in the Impala and tell Dean he had made a mistake, that he wasn't going to college.

Maybe he was just watching for no reason at all.

As though sensing his brother's thoughts, Sam turned to face his brother and gave him a small smile of reassurance. I'll be fine, it said.

At that exact moment, Dean saw something in Sam's eyes.

Slight fear and sadness of having to leave his family, no, Dean behind.

At the same time, he saw something that he realized he had seen everyday; he had just never recognized it for what it was.

Strength. Hope. A determination to make things go his way.

With that, Dean brought the Impala to life and left, his last image of his brother ingrained in his mind; A man with a small smile on his face who believed that despite everything, it was all gonna be alright.

Dean then went home. He sat in the Impala quietly for a couple of minutes then went in to find his father seated on the edge of the bed, head between his hands. He could see that the fight had completely gone out of his dad; all that was left was hopelessness and

regret and guilt.

Dean didn't say anything. What words could express the way he was feeling now? He could think of a lot of other things to say, everything between a quip and an accusation. Knowing that nothing he said would change what just happened, he simply settled for,

"He's gone Dad."

After that night, they never really talked about it. Until one night, John had had a little too much too drink and had begun rambling about his youngest son while his eldest sat beside him, trying desperately to help his dad.

He spoke of how he wanted to be the one to drive Sam to Stanford.

He spoke of how much he wanted to help Sam move in.

He spoke of how much he wanted to embarrass his son in front of all his new neighbors, classmates and maybe even some professors.

He spoke of how much he wanted to be there when Sam graduated, top of his class John was certain.

In essence, he spoke of how proud he was of his youngest son.

Dean's fingers clenched the wheel a little too tightly at the memory. He could still remember all that jealousy that had built up inside of him. Sam was the son who left. Dean was the son who stayed. And yet, John had showed more love and affection for Sam on that night than Dean had experienced from his father his entire life.

He remembered watching an episode of Veronica Mars that night, after putting John to bed with a bucket at the side just in case. There had been nothing else to watch and that Veronica chick looked pretty cute. He didn't remember much of the episode; just one line actually.

"Take it from someone who knows. The one who sticks with you is the one who cares the most."

It had stuck with Dean long after the episode had ended. If that were so, did that mean Dad cared more than Sam? Because he had always thought that if it came down to it, Sam would be the one who would stay and John would be the one to leave, to pursue the Demon on his own, leaving his two sons in the dust.

But Sam had left.

So did that mean John cared more? But didn't tonight's little episode show just how much John prized Sam above Dean? Wasn't Sam the successful, genius one? Or did John love them equally? If Sam and Dean's places had been exchanged, if it had been Dean who left, would John ramble about him to his youngest? Why did John care more if they were always butting heads? Why did John care more when Sam had been the one who left and Dean, the loyal one, had been the one who stayed? Why--

His thoughts were cut short by the sound of AC/DC'S Back in Black. Still keeping his eyes on the road, Dean reached for his cellphone lying on the shotgun.

"Hello?"

"Eleven-two-eighty-three. It's me, Caleb."

"Hey what's up?"

"Just wanted to tell you something. That poltergeist you guys are hunting? The one near Cleveland?"

"Yeah?"

"You guys were right. It's Mrs. Shephard's husband. Apparently, he was savagely murdered by a bunch of drunken kids back in 1928. I'd appreciate it if you were the one who told your dad."

"Thanks for the heads up. And why don't you tell him yourself?" Dean asked curiously, although he was willing to bet anything that they had gotten into a disagreement again.

Caleb grunted. "We, ah, had an argument. Nothing important, just business. I just wanna let John cool down first before I talk to him again."

Dean grinned. Typical. "Alright, I'll make sure he knows. Thanks Caleb."

"Anytime."

"Oh and Caleb? Merry Christmas." Dean had no idea why he said that. It just came out of the blue.

Caleb was silent for a second or two. "You okay son?"

Dean laughed. "I'm fine Caleb."

The older hunter snorted. "Well then in that case, Merry Christmas to you too."

Next thing Dean heard was a click and the dial tone.

"What on earth possessed me to say that?" Dean wondered. Merry Christmas. Why wasn't it called Happy Christmas? Why not Joyful Christmas? Or maybe Joyous Christmas? Why was he suddenly sputtering utter and total crap?

Dean chuckled to himself. This was probably the effect of Christmas on people. Made them crazy. Made them think happy thoughts.

He could still remember the Christmases he spent with Sammy. It wasn't much, but they always scrounged up enough money on their own to afford gifts wrapped in newspaper and hot chocolate on Christmas morning. When they were younger, the gifts they exchanged were usually toys or the occasional second-hand comic book. Six year olds and ten year olds buying guns and knives wasn't exactly a good idea. As they grew older, the gifts turned to weaponry and ancient charms. Guns and knives and blessed charms. Ah, the good times.

Dean sighed. Sure, he couldn't help being jealous of Sammy from time to time. It was normal, seeing as almost all siblings had it. Just because he envied him didn't mean he wasn't happy for him. He was proud of his baby brother, of all of his accomplishments. Sam deserved his full ride and he most certainly deserved to use it. He deserved to make the best of the blessings that came his way.

God knows the Winchesters didn't get much of that.

He wondered what Sam was doing this Christmas. Probably getting the normal Christmas he had always wanted. Complete with Christmas tree, hot cocoa, bundle of presents wrapped in shiny wrapping paper and if he was anything like his older brother, a chick on his arm who he would kiss under the mistletoe while carols played in the background.

The Hallmark Christmas.

He just hoped his brother was happy. It was all he wished for this Christmas. Oh, and if Santa was feeling generous, he would like to see his baby brother, if only for a couple of minutes this Christmas season. But if Santa was feeling _exceptionally _generous, a hot young blonde waiting at their next stop would be a cool Christmas present too.

-----------------------------

_'Joy to the world, the Lord has come! Let earth receive her king! Let every heart prepare Him room. Let heaven and nature sing, let heaven and nature sing.'_

Unknowingly, John did the same thing as his eldest. He scowled at the music that was currently blaring through his truck's speakers. Reaching out, John turned the knob until it reached a station which wasn't playing Christmas carols. Although, it wasn't playing good music either. Some punk rock or emo or whatever music kids these days listened to. John was quite thankful Dean wasn't one of them.

Christmas, for a lot of people, was a happy time. Friends and family. Gifts. Snow. Carols. Santa Claus and his Twelve frickin Reindeers. Frosty the Snowman. Christmas Tree. Mistletoe. Hot Chocolate.

For John, it was a time he would never be able to spend with his beloved wife, Mary. It was a time he would never be able to sip her delicious hot cocoa, another time he wouldn't be able to hear her lovely voice belting out 'Twelve Days of Christmas', another time he wouldn't see her wandering through the halls of their home hanging decorations everywhere.

Never did he regret disobeying his uncle by going to the grocery to pick up some things for the house rather than go to Uncles Jeff's house and fix his car which he insisted was still salvageable while John knew it was beyond repair. Never did he regret it because it was on that day he met Mary.

She was so beautiful, hair as bright as sunshine and eyes as blue as the sea. Somehow, he knew she was the one for him. He never really believed in the whole 'love at first sight' concept, believed it was a cliché the entertainment industry marketed in order to get people to watch their films. Seeing her had changed his mind though. As he got to know her, he saw just how amazing she was. Sweet, funny, kind, caring, loving, with an aura around her that just made him feel warm and loved and safe. Not only that, but she never put up with any of his crap, never let herself get pushed around.

Strength. It was a trait seen in both her children..

A few months later, they were married and she was pregnant with their first child, a son they named Dean Alexander. It was a rather difficult pregnancy but Dean proved to be one of the most agreeable children ever born on God's green earth. He was Mary's son, through and through.

Four years later came Samuel Francis, Sam or Sammy for short. It was an easy pregnancy, although when Sammy was born, he proved to be the opposite of his big brother. Rather fussy, troublesome and naughty, although no one had the heart to condemn him; one look from his puppy dog eyes and you were enslaved for life.

Things were different now.

Dean was now an excellent hunter. Loyal, strong, dependable. He liked to think that he was a badass, a bad boy who attracted danger and women. Daring, reckless, flirtatious, cheeky. John knew it was just the exterior. Caring, warm-hearted, generous, loving, helpful. Dean was all these things and more. He hated chick flick moments, hated being weak and showing emotion, which John knew, regretfully, was partly his fault. He was great with cars and loved his Impala to death. Overprotective too, when it came to his baby brother, his reason for living. Sammy.

Sam was now at Stanford, full ride. Studying to be a lawyer. He was a genius, to say the least. He loved anything that had to do with research and studying and was great at Latin. In fact, his researching skills surpassed even John's. While his brother had a badass exterior, Sam didn't pretend, didn't put up any masks or walls to conceal himself. He was who he was and you just had to deal with it. Stubborn, hard headed, just like John. He too was caring, warm-hearted, generous, loving and helpful. He just showed it more than his older brother. John knew his son was just like Dean, loyal, strong, dependable and an excellent hunter.

He just couldn't say his son was loyal, not after he left his family like he did.

He knew Mary would have ripped them a new one if she had been around to witness their fight. He was pretty sure she did, and was pretty sure she was very upset with them. He liked to believe Mary was watching over them all the time. He didn't know if it was true but it made him feel better. It was good to have something to believe in, other than yourself and your guns and knives and your sons.

He knew his son hadn't really betrayed them. He didn't blame Sammy for wanting to leave. In fact, he was really proud of his son. Full ride to one of the best universities on the country? What father in his right mind wouldn't be proud? However, when Sam broke the news to him, it was with a tone of defiance, of anger.

"I made it to Stanford Dad. Full ride. And I'm going, whether you like it or not."

He must have really done a number on his boys, if Sam was automatically expecting bad news when he told his dad that he had scored a full ride to Stanford.

He was happy for his son, absolutely. Was proud of him, damn straight. But right at that moment, all he could think about was that Sam was leaving.

He was going to be alone.

_Vulnerable._

Exposed.

At danger and at risk.

He always knew that the Demon was out there, he knew it was after Sammy, why he had never figured out. But he knew that it was out there and if it was after Sam, it would be best if he stayed with his family, with Dean who would watch over him like a hawk, with John who would rather die than bury one of his sons. It wouldn't be good to let Sammy be on his own, not when something was out to kill him. He could never tell Sam that though, he didn't want to scare Sam. He would have to tell Sam something else to convince him to stay, against his will or not.

He would just have to settle for being the man who would destroy the fragment of the relationship they still had and squash Sam's dreams.

Ever since Sam had hit puberty, he and John had never really been on good terms. They always argued over everything, big things and small things. John suspected it was because they were too much alike. Stubborn and never backing down from a fight.

Do you what it's like, to feel possessed? Not possessed by a spirit or a demon.

Possessed by your own anger and self-righteousness.

It was how he felt every time he fought with his youngest. Words flew back and forth, words not meant and words regretted.

So at that moment, when Sammy told him of his plans to go to college, it was so easy to fall back to the old habit of anger and self-righteousness and words not meant and words regretted.

They began to yell, to scream, to try to reason rationally at one another. Dean had tried to stop them but it was no use; a few minutes later, he went to his room, where John was sure he heard everything.

The battle of wills raged on.

Sam wanted a normal life; John wanted to keep him safe.

Sam wanted to leave; John wanted him to stay with his family, where he belonged.

Sam wanted to leave hunting behind forever; John wanted him to continue hunting since it meant he could keep an eye on him.

It didn't help that Sam didn't think they would find the Demon anymore. In hindsight, if John placed himself in Sam's shoes, he would have said the same thing. Without pictures and stories from Dean, Sam would never have known his mother. But then, it had only been adding fuel to the fire. It had made John even angrier.

Out of the blue, a voice roared furiously,

"Fine! Go to that college! But if you go, then you had better stay gone and never, ever show your face to me ever again!"

John remembered himself panicking. Who said that?! He didn't want Sam to hear that! He knew that after this argument, after all their arguments, after the years of hunting and broken dreams, he knew what his baby boy would choose.

It took him a second to realize that it had been him. Those words had flown out of his very own mouth.

Do you understand now, what it's like to be possessed?

"Fine." Sam growled quietly, storming to is room to pack what little he had. A few minutes later, Dean stormed out of his room, heading towards his Impala.

Some minutes later, Sam walked out too, not even pausing for a goodbye.

When he heard the roar of the Impala's engine, a sign that they had driven away, John sat at the edge of his bed and put his head between his hands.

What had he done?

_Let's see John_, a sarcastic little voice in his mind said, _you drove away your son, you destroyed your relationship with him, you crushed your eldest's hopes of having a whole family, you have damaged your family seemingly beyond repair and oh yeah, this is the best part_, it said evilly. John could just imagine it grinning evilly too while rubbing its hands together.

_Here's the kicker John, you ready?_

_You screwed up._

John had shaken his head morosely. "I just wanted to keep him safe. I just wanted to keep my family whole." he had whispered softly, no one but the carpet and the motel beds and the crappy television to hear him.

Half an hour later, Dean returned. Dean didn't come back in immediately, John surmised he was gathering himself, putting a stopper on all his emotions.

Or maybe, a much nicer voice in his head said, he's helping Sam out. Maybe Sam's staying. Maybe he's not going to college. Maybe you didn't screw up so bad after all.

Then his eldest walked in.

Alone.

He stood there for a few minutes, which seemed like eternity. He had an unreadable expression on his face. John could see that he was struggling with what to say.

Then Dean said three words, three simple, powerful, heartbreaking words which shattered all hope in John's body.

"He's gone Dad."

Dean walked back into his room, and all hope left John Winchester's body.

"I miss my son."

John was startled by this thought. _Oh bravo_, for some reason he can hear his Mary say to him, partly in amusement, partly in exasperation, _you've realized you miss your son. That certainly took some time._

It wasn't just that though. He missed Sam from the moment he walked out their dingy motel door.

He wanted to see his son.

For the past two years, he had missed his son, sure. But he hadn't wanted to see him, hadn't wanted to get into another argument, hadn't wanted to open old wounds. Now though, he had a sudden urge to drive in the opposite direction to California.

Suddenly, his phone rang. Keeping an eye on the road, he reached for his cellphone and flipped it.

Dean.

"John Winchester." John rumbled in his deep voice.

"Eleven-two-eighty-three. It's me Dad,"

"I do know how to read called ID son."

Dean chuckled, "Better safe than sorry. That's why we devised that whole 'eleven-two-eighty-three' thing remember? Caleb just called. Wanted me to tell you that the spirit is Mrs. Shephard's husband who was savagely murdered by a bunch of drunken kids in 1928."

John nodded. "Thanks. I'll see you later."

"Yeah. Oh, and Dad?"

"Yes?"

"What in the hell are you listening to?"

"I'll see you later Dean." John stressed, Winchesterese for, "You know damn well what this music is and you should know better than to annoy your father."

"Alright." John could hear the amusement in his son's tone and could just imagine the grin that matched with it.

John ended the call and his eyes flickered towards the radio again. Alright, maybe just this once.

For Mary.

For Dean.

For Sammy.

_'On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge on a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle doves and a partridge on a pear tree...'_

----------------------------------

Three Days Later

Two dirty, exhausted and tired Winchester men walked into Room 324 in the Super 8 Motel. They had just finished hunting the incorporeal sonovabitch, Alex Shephard, down. It should have been a simple salt and burn, except for the simple fact that he was buried a few feet away from his property and while Dean had been trying to set his remains on fire, he was tossing Dean around from side to side like a rag doll. Thankfully, John had shot a lot of rock salt into the bastard and had managed to set the corpse on fire before Dean was harmed any further.

It didn't help that the Shephards' property was unkempt and had not seen the work of a gardener, heck even a caretaker in decades.

Which was why John and Dean were dirty, smelly, exhausted and longing for a hot shower. Hopefully the motel had enough hot water for the both of them.

Highly unlikely.

"You go first," John said, waving is hand in the direction of the bathroom. "I'll get the weapons out of the trunk. We should do some inventory and cleaning. We haven't in a long while."

Dean was grateful his dad was letting him go first but he groaned inwardly at the thought of having to clean all their weapons despite their aching muscles. Sighing, he took a clean change of clothes from his duffle bag and headed to the shower, hoping that the warm water would work a miracle for his tired body.

Half an hour later, Dean opened the door and exited the bathroom, a cloud of steam and warmth following him. John looked up from his work to see his son wearing a fresh change of clothes and looking more relaxed.

"Your turn."

John nodded. "Your turn to clean the weapons." he replied, gesturing to the piles of weaponry lying around them. Guns, knives and ammo of every kind surrounded them. To an observer, it looked like chaos. But to the Winchesters, it was highly organized and they knew exactly where each weapon was at a particular time.

Dean sat down at the edge of the bed and began to polish the knife his father had been working on when he had entered the room. It was pretty relaxing and it was a way for him to get his mind off things and just unwind. It was a strange way of unwinding but the Winchesters weren't the most ordinary people you would find in the United States of America.

Another half an hour passed by as Dean moved from polishing knives to wiping guns. He barely even noticed John exit the bathroom, let alone the small smile on his face when he saw how engrossed his son was in his work. Deciding not to disturb him, John grabbed a chair and began to help his son with their ammunition. Every type of ammunition was listed on a sheet of paper, their amount and if they needed to buy some more.

Three more hours went on in silence, the only sounds that could be heard were the reloading of the guns and the breathing of the Winchesters. Dean enjoyed this time spent with Dad, when they weren't hunting and when they were just spending some time together. True, it wasn't like going to a game or to a park to spend some time with him but for Dean, it was enough.

John was enjoying it too. He hated having to yell at his sons and to give them orders but he had to for their safety. It was nice to be able to stay with Dean in a peaceful silence. It was rare since most of the time, they were hunting with John barking out orders or if ever there was a silence, there would be a tense silence on the rare occasion that they had a disagreement.

Dimly, they could hear a car pulling up into the motel's parking area, followed by the sound of a car door being shut. It wasn't surprising that they heard it. Being a hunter automatically meant that you needed keen senses. Although they noticed the sound, they didn't really give much attention to it. They figured it was just one of the motel's customers.

A few minutes later, they heard footsteps, slow jogging at first, then it picked up speed as whoever was running began jogging up the stairs at a much faster pace. Again, they noticed it but didn't pay it much mind. It was just another of the Super 8 Motel's patrons.

What they didn't count on was for the footsteps to stop outside their door.

A knock on the door broke the silence.

John and Dean exchanged a look of wariness and slight worry. They weren't expecting anyone and how exactly, were they going to explain their arsenal.

_Let's not panic, _John's eyes said. _Let's see who it is first before making any assumptions._

Dean nodded. _Have a weapon just in case we have to knock the sucker out_, he communicated silently.

They each grabbed a weapon, John a knife and Dean a handgun.

John cautiously approached the door and looked out of the peephole.

He was in for the shock of his life.

_What on earth is he--_ he thought. It seemed like his body had acquired a mind of its own because before he had even registered what he was doing, his left hand had already dropped the knife, which fell silently on the carpeted floor, luckily missing his foot, and his right hand was already reaching for the doorknob.

Dean's eyes widened. "Dad!" he whispered urgently. What on earth was he doing?

A second later, the doorknob clicked and John swung open the door.

"Sam?"

--------------------------

There you go! Updates will come in the next few weeks... school's about to start so I can't promise how soon... Happy New Year! Please review! (Am i starting to sound like a broken record? i think i am. I'm sorry!)


	3. Chapter 3

This is the last chapter in this story! Thanks to all those who reviewed Chapter 2, namely chocolate rules, wcfan, SilverStorm06, Anora, Winchesters-Shadow, zefian, Storm Silverhand, L'insomnie des etoiles and Sam666.

I have to warn you though, this chapter is pretty OC and mushy, uncharacteristic of the Winchesters. Pretty hard chapter to write but I finished it… I forgot to ask for suggestions in the last chapter so I was stuck to my own devices…hope you enjoy and please review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. Boohoo.

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"Sam?"

"Hey Dad," Sam gave John a small smile hesitantly, the one that only lifted one side of his mouth and didn't reach his eyes. To Dean, it spoke volumes of how unsure and how scared Sam was of being there. If Dean was honest to himself, he was wondering the same thing.

Sam's hazel eyes flickered from John to Dean. "Hey Dean," Sam's smile grew just a little now, some of the happiness finally reaching his eyes.

Dean smiled and nodded. No matter what their Dad had said the last time they were together, Dean could clearly see that there was no way Sam was just going to bend down and refuse to see his family again.

"That's my boy." Dean thought proudly. "Now if only those two can work things out like civilized human beings," he thought wryly, almost certain that there was no possible way for that to happen. Those two were equally hot-headed, stubborn and unrelenting. Despite their best intentions, they never seemed to get along, which was probably the understatement of the year. Hopefully, the two years apart had given them some time to cool down and to think.

"Come in Sam." John said softly, nodded his head in the general direction of the room. His voice was unreadable but Dean took the fact that Dad wasn't throwing Sam out as a good sign.

Sam nodded silently, his face equally unreadable, and stepped inside the room. As he entered, he saw the sheer amount of weaponry lying on every single available space in the room. Dean had expected him to scowl or show any form of regret or maybe he would get to see Sam's I-hate-my-family-because-they-hunt-the-supernatural-and-aren't-normal face which he hadn't seen in some time. After all, wasn't that one of the main reasons Sam left in the first place? He want to hunt anymore and he wanted a normal life.

Then suddenly, Sam did something that Dean really, really did not see coming.

He grinned.

Widely.

"You guys are cleaning the weapons aren't you?" Sam chuckled, "Okay never mind stupid question it's pretty obvious what you're doing anyway." Sam muttered under his breath, causing his father and brother to smile. "I haven't done that in a long time. Mind if I help?" he asked, a slightly eager tone to his voice. Dean couldn't remember the last time his baby brother had actually offered to help with the hunting chores. He had always tried to get out of it when they were younger, citing homework or projects or heck even drama

class as excuses. Dean supposed it was kind of a peace offering, Sam hoping that Dad would see how sorry he was and how much he wanted to fix things. After all, in the Winchester family, no one really shared their feelings to one another or told them what they really meant. They hid it in gestures and other words, knowing that the other would understand.

The problem with that was that sometimes, those gestures and other words were misunderstood. When they were younger, there were times when Dean had mistaken Sam cooking him some chicken soup for his colds as pity and sympathy which he didn't want when what Sam had really meant was that he simply wanted his big brother to feel better. Or there had been a time that Sam had mistaken the gleam in Dean's eyes and his wide smile for amusement and mockery after his school play instead of the pride and happiness that Dean had felt. Or those times the boys had mistaken John going hunting and leaving them home alone as a sign that he didn't care, when in reality, he was just trying to make the world just a little bit safer and better for his boys.

Dean figured that misunderstandings like those would definitely not help the situation.

Dean suddenly walked toward his bed, grabbing his leather jacket and putting it on while Sam and John turned to look at him, wondering what he was doing and where he was going.

"Relax guys, I'll just be in that bar we passed going into town. Let you work things out." Dean said, anticipating the words that John was about to utter. They really did need to talk and it was just between the two of them. It would be better for them to do it without Dean around. Besides, Dean wasn't sure if he could handle the chick flick moment that he was sure was going to occur.

"Besides," he added as an afterthought in order to lift the tense atmosphere. "I think there's a hot blonde chick waiting for me there anyway."

This made them smile a little and they nodded.

"I'll see you later okay man?" Dean said to Sam, seeking reassurance in those familiar brown depths. He didn't know what the outcome of this would be but no matter what happened, he was going to see Sammy and nothing was going to stop him. Not even John.

Because when it came down to it, he would choose Sammy any day.

"Of course," Sam replied easily. Dean could sense the eagerness of Sammy to spend time with his big brother. He expected it but what made him smile was the way the emotion rolled over Sam in waves. He could almost see a puppy dog with its tongue lolling out of its mouth and waging its tail, eager to please. Dean chuckled softly at the image.

John simply looked at Dean and gave him a straightforward, "Be careful."

Dean bobbed his head once. Even if he seemed like he was reckless to the rest of the world, he was always careful. He always knew of what was happening and what could happen. Sometimes, it was really useful to be raised as a hunter.

Dean took one last look a them before walking out the door and closing it with a quiet click. Hopefully, when he got back, everything would be alright.

-------------------------

When Sam finally heard the familiar roar of the Impala's engine fade away, he turned to face his Dad. He wondered what his father was thinking. Was he angry at Sam for disobeying him? Was he happy that Sam was back?

"So..." John's deep voice broke the silence and startled Sam. For the first time, he heard uneasiness and hesitation in John's voice, which was usually so sure, calm and decisive. Sam looked and saw that he was leaning against the wall, the one spot where there were no weapons littered around. Sam walked over and leaned against the doorframe of the bathroom, directly opposite John and put his hands in the pockets of his pants.

Sam turned to face him directly. Sam was grateful and somewhat surprised that John had taken the first step. The least he could do was give him his full attention.

"So," John began again, a little more certainty in his voice, "how's college working out for you?"

Sam was once again surprised by John. Asking about college, of all things? Wasn't that the very thing that tore them apart?

Sam noticed that John was still looking at him expectantly for an answer. "It's um... doing great actually. The lessons are interesting, the professors love me and I'm getting pretty good grades." he replied. "Stupid answer," he thought to himself furiously, "How boring can you get? 'The professors love me'? 'The lessons are interesting'?"

John nodded. "That's good." Despite the opening John had given him, Sam could still feel the distance and awkwardness between them. Not only because of the fight they had had before, not only because of the time they spent apart, but also because of the fact that they both knew there were more important things to be talked about and they didn't know how to start or how to express their emotions.

They were Winchesters; it was simply not done.

He had no idea of what to say. Before he knew it, he was speaking already, saying things he didn't mean and was sure to lead to another explosive argument.

"You didn't understand why I wanted to go to college!" he blurted out suddenly.

John shook his head and ran his hand through his hair exasperatedly. "I did Sam. You wanted normal. You wanted to stop hunting. I get it."

"Then why didn't you let me go?' Sam asked indignantly, his eyes begging for answers.

"Because I wanted to make sure you were safe!" roared John, his temper getting the best of him.

"Why did you tell me not to come back?" Sam shouted right back. He was getting his answers and he was getting them now.

"I don't know," John whispered brokenly, the change of temperament slightly startling Sam.

"'I don't know?' 'I don't know?' Are you telling me I was away from my family for two years because of you, when you don't even know why you did it?" Sam said incredulously.

"It just came out alright!" John said defensively. "I didn't mean it. It just came out. I never wanted you to leave and I tried to make you stay with that choice but by the time I said it, I already knew what you would choose." he continued softly, most of the anger

that had been coursing through his body now faded away.

Silence.

After a few minutes, when the two had finally calmed down, John sighed. "Are you happy now?" he asked softly.

Sam nodded silently. It was just like what Pete said. Dad wanted him to be safe. He had gotten his answer, sure. That didn't mean he was leaving. He had to apologize to his dad for all the things he had done wrong, all the things he had said that day he hadn't meant and deeply regretted. If it meant putting himself out there, fine. No sense in traveling for 12 hours and leaving without saying what he wanted to say. If it meant embarrassing himself completely, then so be it. So long as he got it out in the open.

Apparently John was thinking the same thing.

"Listen Dad, last time we were together---"

"Listen son, last time we were together---"

The two began to speak at the exact same time and when they realized this, they stopped and looked at each other uncertainly.

"You go first," John told his son, giving him the chance to speak first.

Sam took a deep breath. Part of him was still hesitant and afraid, but he had to say it. Had to say everything, before he lost his nerve.

"Okay," Sam began, "The last time we were together, we had a huge fight." John nodded in agreement. "And I said a lot of things I didn't mean."

John smiled. "Me too son, me too."

Sam nodded. "I didn't mean it when I said that I hated this family. I don't," Sam smiled and looked at the carpet. All of a sudden it looked so interesting. "I love this family. I just didn't want to hunt anymore. I didn't want to see you and Dean get hurt anymore. I didn't want to see you die because of some pissed off spirit or whatever. I don't think I could handle losing either of you. Through out everything, it's always been the three of us against everything and it would kill me to lose either of you."

"I know," John replied softly. "It would kill me to lose either one of you too, and it always hurt me, to see you and or you brother injured."

Sam paused, just in case John wanted to say something else. John shook his head and motioned for Sam to go on.

"I didn't mean it when I said that it didn't matter if we found the Demon. It does matter. It would mean that you guys can stop hunting and can, I dunno, go back to normal. It would mean that you won't have to go thirsting for revenge and risk life and limb for this... crusade to find it."

"You were right about that one son." John said, ignoring the surprised look on Sam's face. "In a way, it would matter if we found that demon. It would be the end of this long journey. But it won't bring Mary back." John uttered softly.

Sam didn't say anything, simply went on.

"I didn't mean it when I said that I hated you and that you were a lousy father. You're not the best father, but I know that you did everything you could to make sure that Dean and I grew up properly. Grew up safe. Even if you never showed it when we were growing up, we know that you care. A lot. And I don't hate you Dad, I really don't," Sam smiled ruefully and looked around the room again, trying to focus on something else besides the man standing in front of him. "When I was at college, I heard a lot of my friends complain about their parents. Dean and I, we could have had worse. So, I guess, what I'm trying to say is that, despite everything, we were lucky to have you."

John smiled and said gratefully. "Thanks son."

Sam simply nodded and continued. "I'm sorry for leaving, I'm sorry that I always challenged you and always fought with you, especially when I was growing up. I'm sorry for not understanding, for not even trying to understand. I'm sorry I said that I hated this family and you. I'm sorry I said that it didn't matter if we found the Demon, because it does. I'm sorry I abandoned you and Dean," At this point, Sam's voice began to become more emotional and he began to whisper, as if he were on the verge of crying and letting everything out.

John shook his head firmly. "First of all, you did not abandon us. You were just leaving for college, for crissakes. Secondly, I'm glad you left."

Sam looked at him, shock written all over his features. "You were?"

"In a way. I hated that you were away from me, but your leaving showed me that I can't always make you do what I want. You're a grownup and you can make your own decisions and I should respect them. I understand why you challenged me, growing up." John smiled nostalgically. "In the Marines, I hated it when they told me to do things simply because they said so. I left because I couldn't put up with it. Why should you? You had every right to challenge me and even if it led to some pretty bad fights, it's fine. I understand."

Sam smiled, happy that his father understood his point of view. It wasn't as difficult as he thought it would be. The years apart had given them time to think, to process, to understand.

"I'm sorry for being selfish and putting my wants before the family. I'm sorry it took this long for me to come back. I'm sorry for not working things out, I really am. I get it now, I really do. You just wanted to make sure I was okay, wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn't get it then and I'm sorry." Sam looked at his father and silently begged him to understand. He was letting his emotions get the best of him, was making himself look weak. It didn't matter anymore. He had already said everything that he had wanted to say

and now all he could do was wait for his Dad to respond to it. He had no idea what was going to happen now, except for the fact that if Dean ever found out about this, he was forever going to be labeled a drama queen.

"It's fine Sam," John said softly, "You weren't being selfish. You just wanted a chance to fulfill your dreams. I'm glad you understand, but you don't have to be sorry for everything. It was partly my fault too."

Sam now looked at John. He was finished explaining. It was John's turn now.

Now John looked down. Much like his youngest, he wanted to avoid those hazel eyes while he spoke.

"I didn't mean it when I told you to forget about college. It was your dream, I knew that. I shouldn't have told you to put aside your aspirations just for the sake of this family. You deserved better than that. It's only fair that you have a life aside from hunting."

"I get it Dad," the youngest Winchester said quietly. "You wanted to keep me safe. It was unfair but I understand why you did it."

Sam's lips quirked. "Even if it didn't work."

John laughed. "Apparently, since this is the firs time I've seen you face to face in two years."

Sam's eyebrows furrowed. "Face to face?" he asked questioningly.

John nodded. "Sometimes, I would visit Stanford. Just... to check on you. To make sure you were okay. I never showed myself to you though. I didn't want to get into another argument." he explained.

"Yeah, we probably would have," Sam agreed. "I never stopped taking precautions though. Rock salt and cat's eye shells around the door and the windows. I had a gun loaded with rock salt and another one with silver bullets in the back of my closet, as well as some holy water, a collection of knives and those exorcism books you gave me for my twelfth birthday."

John shook his head. "I'm a father Sam. Those things don't stop me from worrying." he said wryly.

John paused, gathering his thoughts and his words so that he would finally be able to say what he meant. "I didn't mean it when I said that you didn't understand what it was like for Mary to be gone. You might not remember her, but you never had a mother and I'm sure that because of not remembering her, because of not having her around growing up, you knew what it was like for her to be gone." John said in a rush, hoping his son would understand.

"True, but I couldn't remember her as much as you and Dean did. Even if she wasn't around growing up, I still don't know exactly, what it was like to lose her. I wish I did though." Sam said ruefully.

"No you don't," John said firmly. "It hurt like hell losing Mary and I'm just glad that you didn't have to go through all that."

"If it weren't for pictures and Dean's stories, I wouldn't even know her." Sam whispered sadly. He had always felt like an outsider when it came to his Dad and Dean. Their drive to hunt came from losing a wife and a mother. Sam didn't understand that, which was probably why he also didn't share their passion for the hunt.

"You will always know her," John reassured him. "She's your mother, and she is and will always be a part of you."

Sam smiled. "Thanks Dad."

Silence reigned once again.

"I'm sorry I wasn't the best dad. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you normal. I'm sorry I wasn't able to show that I cared. I wasn't able to help you with your homework, bring you to baseball games, do all sorts of fatherly things. I was blinded by the Demon and your mother's death and I couldn't see past that. You and Dean deserved better." He blurted out.

"Like I said, you did your best Dad. Mom's death was a heck of a lot to deal with and you still had two kids to look after. Baseball games and things like that don't matter. What matters is that you looked after us and made sure we were okay and that we grew up alright. I mean, you didn't do so bad a job if Dean and I ended up like this. Well, Dean could use a little more work," Sam tried to inject some humor into the conversation and succeeded and getting a smile from his dad. "But we turned out okay. We're not in jail, we're not dead. We're fine, which means you did something right."

"But..."

"No buts Dad. Yeah, we deserved better, yeah, you didn't show how much you cared, yeah, it wasn't enough. Fine. But you did your best and that's what matters."

"I'm also sorry I made you choose." John continued from where he left off. "I should never have made you choose between us and school. What is this, the Middle Ages?" Sam laughed at that. "Everyone gets both. Well mostly everyone. Why shouldn't you?"

Sam laughed and sighed amusedly. "We've been over this Dad. You did it to keep me safe. Anything else you want to say?"

"I'm proud of you."

Sam's expression went from amused to shocked to mildly surprised to happy. It was something he had wanted to hear for a long time.

"I'm proud of you," John repeated. "I'm sorry I never got to tell you that. I wanted to be the one to bring you to Stanford. I wanted to be the one to help you move in. I wanted to embarrass you in front of all his new neighbors, classmates and maybe even some professors." Sam grinned. "I want to be there when you graduate, top of you class. I want you to get your diploma onstage wearing a funny looking graduation outfit. I want to be there."

"You will be." Sam replied simply.

John took a few steps toward Sam. Sam thought he was just going to shake his hand or go to the bathroom or something like that.

Never did it once cross his mind that John Winchester would hug him.

Which he did.

Then Dean opened the door.

"So, did I miss anything?"

----------------------------------------------

As the sounds of AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell' blasted through the stereos, Sam thought about the last two weeks. After the long conversation he and Dad had had, he was glad that they finally understood each other and though he knew they wouldn't always see eye to eye, at least he knew what his dad really meant and at least Dad knew what he really felt.

Afterwards, Dean had come back and they had resumed cleaning the weapons. Dean began to catch up on the things happening in his baby brother's life. Everything from professors to school to the cars around town to his friends to the girls in his life. John and Dean had had a good time grilling him about his love life. Dean was pleased to know that more than half the female population was smitten by him ("Sammy's got the mojo!" Dean had announced proudly.) and at the same time, was ashamed that Dean Winchester's (lady killer extraordinaire, according to him) baby brother didn't have a girl yet. Despite their closeness, Sam hadn't told Dean about Jessica Moore, a girl he had met in one of his classes whom he liked. Gorgeous, funny and intelligent. He liked her very much.

It was up to Dean to figure that out all on his own.

They had then packed up their things and had gone to the nearby diner to celebrate Sam's return. It wasn't the best food but it was good to be around his family all the same. That night, Dean and Sam slept on the beds while John slept on the couch.

For the next two weeks, they traveled from town to town, wherever there was a spirit or anything seemingly supernatural. They had exorcised two vengeful spirits, killed a wendigo and had gone to another town where they thought that the thing that was killing many of the chickens in that area as something exciting or dangerous. Supernatural at least.

Turned out to be a wild and very smart tiger that was killing them off. Why, they had no idea. How it even got loose was just as big a mystery.

Exciting, yes.

Dangerous, of course.

Supernatural? Ah, not so much.

Even if Sam had kept in shape while in Stanford, it took a few days for him to get used to hunting again. However, with John and Dean to back him up, no injuries occurred, save for a few scratches from the wendigo.

Oh, and Christmas Day?

Dad had treated them to breakfast at Denny's, something he used to do, even when they were young.

Of course, that came after the gifts.

There was the usual gift of knives and all sorts of weaponry. Dean and Sam had given John two knives that Sam had found at an antique store at Palo Alto which head impulsively bought and restored. John had also given them weaponry, making a few antique guns he had found as their Christmas gift. Dean had given Sam the film 'The Devil's Advocate' so as to remind him exactly what career he was getting into. It had made them all laugh and Sam promised to watch as soon as he could. Sam had given Dean a protective charm on a strong thread so that it wouldn't get lost. It was to protect him from all the things they hunted. Even though Dean complained about the fact that it was a necklace, for heaven's sakes, Sam knew he was grateful.

Oh yeah, that was probably because Sam had also gotten him a six pack of Budweiser to go along with it.

Somehow Sam had managed to buy it. Not too difficult really. They did have a million fake ID's after all.

Now, as the Impala whizzed by the sign that read 'Palo Alto', Sam felt a pang of sadness. It would be some time before he saw either one of them again, even though they promised to visit as soon and as much as possible. He would especially miss Dean. He had really missed his brother for the last two years and spending time with him again, if only for a short while, was great. He had gotten used to his brother's old habits again, the ones he had always missed during those two years at Stanford.

His possessiveness over the Impala.

His over protectiveness.

His love of fast food, which was greasy and oily and slowly killed you.

His charm and his cocky grin and his womanizing ways.

His big brother.

Before he knew it, they were in front of his apartment building, the one he had left just two weeks ago.

How fast time flies.

Sam would have invited him in but he knew that they had to get going. Another day, another evil creature ruining someone's life, another thing the Winchesters had to hunt.

"So you take care of yourself alright?" Dean said as they alighted the car.

"Yeah I will." Sam replied, sighing internally. They were going to be reminding him of different things now. Funny, they didn't do it the first time he left for college.

"Don't forget to call often."

"Don't stay out too late. Vampires are still around you know."

"Study well."

"Don't forget to take some time off."

"Don't forget all the supernatural precautions."

"Don't forget to party, enjoy yourself and get laid. Oh and getting a girl would be great too."

The last one came from Dean and it made them all laugh, although John had slapped the back of Dean's head lightly for the last comment.

"Seriously though Sammy," Dean's voice had taken a no-nonsense-you-had-better-listen-to-your-older-brother-because-he-knows-best tone. 'Look after yourself baby brother. Call if you need anything."

Sam nodded. "I will," he grinned. "Now go! Stop mother-henning me!"

Dean scowled amusedly. "I am not mother-henning you. Just making sure you'll be okay."

"I made it alright for two years. I think I'll be okay." Sam reassured, grinning at his brother's denial.

Dean simply nodded then ruffled Sammy's hair. It was so good to see his brother again. He had missed him so much.

"I'll be seeing you bitch."

"Absolutely jerk."

The brothers smiled. They might not say it but they knew; they would miss each other.

No matter. They'd be seeing each other soon.

Then Dean walked towards the Impala, giving Sam and John time to say their goodbyes.

"At least this is a much better good bye than the one last time." John smiled, something that was becoming more frequent since Sam had come back.

"Yeah."

"I'll see you soon Sam. Take care of yourself."

Sam smiled. It was good to be able to say goodbye to Dad without fighting. "I will. You and Dean take care too." he replied.

John nodded, smiled, then turned around and walked towards his truck.

As the two vehicles began to drive away, Sam saw Dean fling his arm out the window and wave in his direction. Sam knew Dean could see him through the rearview window. Sam grinned and waved back.

Sam watched the two people he cared about most in the world drive away for a few minutes before a loud voice cut into his thoughts.

"Sam! Hey Sam!'

Sam turned around and saw Pete running out of the apartment towards him, grinning. Sam smiled too, waved and waited for Pete to reach him.

"Hey man!" he said breathlessly, "Did you do what I told you to do?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

Sam shrugged. "You were right."

Pete grinned, a smug smirk overcoming his features not soon after. "Of course I was right. So everything's okay now?"

"Yup. Thanks for the advice man. You would make for an excellent Dr. Phil." Sam teased, knowing how much Pete resented him and his so-called 'do-gooder' ways.

"Yeah right man. Come one, lemme tell you all about my break. See, first of all, my sister? Turns out she's getting married. So..."

As they walked across the grassy lawn towards their apartment, Pete talked about his break. While Sam liked listening to his stories, he tuned him out and just took in everything that had happened in the last two weeks.

Stanford.

His friends.

His family.

"Hey man, are you even listening to me?"

fin

Note:

1. Dr. Phil – no offense to those who like him. He's a great guy and he's really great at helping people with their problems, etc.

2. the tiger thing – had no idea on what to put… hopefully you'll just accept that one! (sorry if it really sucked… like I said, I had no idea on what to put!)

3. vampires – I know that in Dead Man's Blood, John said they were extinct, but I just wanted to put that since they're usually the creatures that attack people in the middle of the night. Let's just say that Elkins and the other hunters made them extinct a year later, okay?

4. Their Christmas gifts – I had no idea what to get them so I just got them weapons. The charm Sam gave Dean is the one he currently wears. 'The Devil's Advocate' is not mine and I just thought of giving Sam that, seeing as I gave it to my brother who is also in college studying to be a lawyer. Once again, I forgot to ask for suggestions… sigh…

I hope you enjoyed and once again, thanks for all the reviews! You guys really motivated me to finish this story! Thanks again and don't forget to press that purple button down there to review!


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